Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Fright of my Life

I havent had the chance to blog about our weekend experience at the childrens hospital. Whats usually handled as a day procedure ended up being several days with Sophia. Although this was our first experience putting her under anesthesia. Sophia went in for an endoscopy, cath procedure on her pulmonary valve stenosis and ear tube placement. Everything started out being delayed by 5 hours so that should have been my big red flag that things were not about to play out as I had expected. Each doctor came out to consult with us after they finished their part. Each doctor said things went great and Sophia seemed to be doing wonderfully. Then as we are waiting to be paged to go see her in post op we see the anesthesiologist walking into the waiting room. UH OH! She tells us that she tried to extubate Sophia and that Sophia took one breath but after that she didnt breath on her own again. Sophia had to be reintubated. She goes on to tell us that Sophia is on a ventilator that's breathing for her and she's being taken to ICU. Once she's stabilized in ICU we'll be allowed to go up and see her.

I have never in my life felt so empty inside. The fear of losing her came over me. Although I was terrified of that thought I couldnt cry. I was so incredibly sad and I felt this terrible pain deep inside of me but the tears didnt flow. Is something wrong with me? I know all about the dangers of general anesthesia and reasons like this is exactly why people have that fear. My mind knew all the possibilities but my heart wouldnt allow it. My heart wouldnt allow me to process the fact that we were so close to losing her. That very day, that very moment. Was I laughing in the waiting room as she took that last breath? Was I eating a snack or talking on the phone.... Have I taken a single moment with her for granted? It seemed like it took forever to finally see her. When I walked into the ICU room she looked so fragile. It was hard to see her with all those tubes and cords running from her tiny body. There's nothing I wouldnt have given to trade places with her. As I stood by her bedside at some point during the night Sophia started to wake up and thrash about. As hard as it was to see her that way I was so thankful for it! She was waking up. She was moving and she was fighting. She was fighting then as she has always fought. Early Saturday morning she was taken off the ventilator and I was able to hold her again. I cuddled her so tightly in my arms and just sang and talked with her. I didnt care who walked in that room I continued to sing to my sweet girl. I wanted her to know that not for a second did I leave her side. I was right there with her and by her side I'll always be.

As the hours passed Sophia slowly got better. Sunday she was given a steroid to help with her throat and the inflammation caused by all the tubes. Then Monday morning she was ready to go. My little fighter was once again on her way home after almost giving me a heart attack.

1 comment:

  1. oh, my goodness, I have SO been there! Emma's first surgery (ear tubes and MicKey button) was just like that, where we thought she was done and then had trouble breathing coming out of surgery. i remember so well wondering if i had been reading a magazine or something while my daughter was struggling to breathe!
    So glad she's ok. She's got a wonderful mommy! :)