It's been so long since my last blog but I'm in such a funk these days I need to put my thought down before this world of mine literally implodes. So here goes.
My every emotion is dependent on my special needs child. When she's thriving and moving forward my mood is a direct reflection of that. Then on the other hand when she's had any amount of regression or set back my mood falls right in line. It's more than an emotional roller coaster that I'm on. Not only do I deal with the daily stresses of raising a child that is so different from our surrounding world but I also have the stresses of every day life. I'm raising two other children and try my best to ensure they have as normal of a life as possible.
Have you ever had a moment in time that changed everything going forward? Your entire world from that moment on was and is never the same and yet somehow you search through all the craziness trying to find one ounce of normalcy. That moment came for me the day I found out my child would be born with special needs. I remember who was with me, where I was, the set up of the room, the lighting, everything in such vivid detail. Despite knowing there is no way to prepare yourself for all that is to come. How can you prepare yourself for heartache and love beyond anything you've ever known? You tell family and friends and after a pep talk and a few tears they've moved on with their lives and you are still there. Still trying to find some meaning and constantly looking for direction. Then every now and then those family members and friends come back around to tell you how great you're doing and how they don't understand how you do what you do. Well here's the secret from us special needs moms, WE DON'T EITHER!" We simply do what we have to do for our child. Do we have our days when we want to just give up? HELL YES! Do we have days when we feel completely defeated? HELL YES! Do we have moments when we just need to sit down and have a good cry? HELL YES! But then, then there are moments when our special needs child has accomplished something that we were told they never would accomplish. Or a simple moment when that child looks up at you with a smile and despite being labeled "non-verbal" that smile says, "Thank you mommy, I love you too." That is when our spirit and our strength is renewed. We put back on our super momma cape and go back at it again.
Don't forget that we know our lives are so much different than yours. We know our child might not do certain things. The idea that my daughter will never have a wedding. I'll never be able to watch her have her own child. I will never see my daughter drive away to college or pile into a limo with her friends for prom. Those things never go away. But as a person in my life there are times when I simply need you to just be with me. We special needs parents don't want nor need your pity. We just ask for understanding. Understand that we know and understand that our lives are hard and different. Lend a helping hand when you can to help our lives be as normal as possible. See our child through our eyes and see past the syndrome. See them for the person they are and love them for that. Not because they have special needs. Understand that my absence is not my way of saying we are no longer friends. It's a sign that my life is absolutely crazy and this is probably the time I need you the most. When you brag about your typical child's progress understand my silence is not out of lack of joy for you. I am happy for you and your child. My silence means I'm sad that my child is still so far behind. That does not mean I want you to stop telling me about the milestones your child has met. Some days you will not be greeted with silence but understand some days for me are better than others.